Again My Mind Is Stumped To Think For Another Tittle On Which I Can Try My Best To Strike Up Weirdly Mind Conconctions.

so goes another day of which i should be home studying my ass off, but what did i do instead. go out with friends. which was more worth my time. oppurtunity cost wise? being with my friends of course.

hm, it was great. after so long, seeing their faces. hm, feel like posting some pictures...but hm...dunno...too tired. hm, basically we ate and caught up with old times and had a nice time talking about good old pornography. and found out we all had a similar interest - lesbian porn. or should we say female duo erotica. anyway, went to eat at some fancy schmancy restaurant-y kinda place at esplanade there. had some small bite size food bits which was like peanuts to us guys. anyway, the food was just awesome.

hm, to her...i'm really sorry...maybe i've gotta lie more better. but i dunno, why can't i lie to you. it's just so damn hard. please don't be childish and go for your thing. i know how much it really did mean to you. but it jsut so happened. and i just took a sip. maybe you're right. i did it with my friends. but it's not that unhealthy as what you wanna do. i've done my research. serious. it really is unhealthy. it really is worst than drinking and smoking. please believe me...for once...please. i dunno why, but...i don't wanna lie to get your trust. but i don't wanna lose your trust by telling you the truth. tell me now just what is a guy to do. i just don't wanna ever lose you. jsut because of all the small fights. it just gets in the way. i don't want it to happen. can you please forgive me...please...i dunno why we have to come to this. hm, let's stop being childish. i have something i wanna ask you, but i dunno whether you'll find it dumb. hm, i dunno. i started to think of it one day and i was wondering if it's a nice thing that we should have. eeeee? eeeee? awwwww...hm, tell you what...just go for it, don't do that alright...gawwwd this girl...haha???

or and to that girl. i dunno why. it seems like it's gonna be hard for me to look at you the same way that i did last time. as in friends kind. but i dunno, talking to you...hm, i dunno, but maybe it's good that we're starting to talk like last last time. hm, i dunno whether i really still do make you smile and all. and you know... i hope i do...but still, i can't forget it la. forgive? hm, i dunno. just that we're talking it's good enough right now. hope i get to see you. i dunno why. wait, i don't even know how to react when i see you...hm, argh...yeah, but i dunno...

Culda

I Have Been Planning To Have A Baby For Five Years, My Wife Has Been Planning To Keep It Forever.

hm, it's been about what 8 days? hm, couldn't organize myself on what to write. so little has happened. yet it seemed to be alot. right now, my fingers are so stiffed from browsing through so many pictures using my mac track pad. okay, so i can't really type as much as i want now, but hey, we've all been through it right? yeah, my whole body is like going through some kind of pain. my palms are blistered and some parts af the skin are just close to tearing up cause of all the pull ups and the many countless push ups done on track, gravel, dirt and whereever humans can do push ups. my legs are heavy and aching after yesterday's canoeing's training, which involved lunges and sprints of which we didn't cool down from. so yeah, my gluteus maximus is aching due to the lunges. FYI, one of the best ways to have a strong and fit butt, is to do lunges and squats. yeah. and also, my nipple seems to be suffering from abrasion and it hurts. so if i wanna bathe after running, i've gotta like wait ten minutes or more, so as to prevent me from screaming profanities in the shower. and what else hurts. hm i think that's the end of my diagnosis.

oh yeah, and i'm sick of crazy taxi. the graphics suck. and the other time when i was playing, i beat the high score, and the damn thing couldn't connect to the bloody network, so it meant that my high score was recorded. yes guys, it does happen. argh, gotta find a new game. on facebook. hm, maybe snake...oh wait, i still have that high score. hm, i'll see which game is cool and fun and then i'll beat my friends at the score. just not guitar geek. stupid guitar geek. lame game.

you don't know what love is til you've got your heart broken.

hm, just went through canoeing this week. then i've also went for my own training. am i pushing myself too much? i doubt so. in fact, i think, i haven't even pushed myself much at all. pretty much, i just need to put my body under stress. so yep, one of my birthday resolutions? hm, i think i'll come up with a few things to do right now...my birthday resolutions. what do i need to do?

where do we go from here?

i've been thinking. about my past. i remembered i used to write alot last time. i used to write poem-thingys, raps (belive it or not) and i would draw up comics and write other stupid stuff. all these during secondary school. hm, it used to make me calm and collected and managed to direct all my emotions to a certain vent. thinking bout it now, maybe i should do it all over again. start doing it again. i mean jsut writing raps, poems or whatever. i remembered i did it to a level that i could simply talk in rhymes. now i'm like...i need to get my sexy back. hm, need to put pen to paper. i have my inspiritation at the back of mind, i just need to bring it out. use my feelings of all the emotions like anger, depression, frustration and all to add fuel to fire. i'm not doing it to be known, but for the passion of just letting things out in such an art. an artform. can't belive it now. woo, another of my birthday resolution done.

i hate missing people, and i hate to know the fact that people miss me, thus i try not to hang out as much as i should.

hm, yeah, i'm mad at you. but again, i get mad easily. but i recuperate well, i think you know that. hm, just didn't expect you to keep brooding over that subject even when i told you not to. and right now, when you are saying that you're never gonna call me again. it's really just hurting to hear. what a small mistake can turn out to be. who is to be forgiven? who is the one to forgive? i'm really sorry. i'm really sorry for what happened. and maybe i was the reason for my own hurt. hm, don't do this to me. not now.

Nav

P.S. i'm thinking of changing to wordpress. should i?

Lately I've Been Hard To Reach I've Been Too Long On My Own Everybody Has A Private World Where They Can Be Alone.

well, back from a hectic week or disorientation. firstly disorientated from the camp. then after that, went for self training at sp. then the next day went for campfire. then went for 2D1N chalet.

the chalet was like...blah. first thing everybody did was watched movie. then after that they watched another movie. so some of us just started to play tai ti one side. played for like god knows how long. after walking around with some of the girls, went to start fire. i lost my reputation and my touch. damn. i need to reconfigure my skills. but in the end it did start. got a good fire to last the whole night. food was cooked surprisingly well. good cooks around, what else can i say. sadly, i was forced to drink due to pressure by the beer bottles that i had bought earlier in the afternoon. can't believe i drank...shit, it was like a weird nightmare. anyway, i hate drinking. hate it. hate it. hate it. shit, i'm like broke now cause of it. anyway, talked with the rest of the people about everything and anything. and really had a good time. got to know them differently, not in the class typoe of way. but as real human beings and all. then was supposed to walk to see the sunrise with the rest but the rest left cause of some apparent reason. so had a nice walk walking the whole the pasir ris park on my own. so calming and peaceful. then came back to sleep for a while. which was really a while. like only 20 mins or something. the rest of the time i was just staring at the wall and waiting for the perfect time to leave.

i left eventually, only to find that i left my ic back in the chalet which the guys are helping me keep. went to changi airport and got my vouchers of which i decided to spend 30 bucks of the 60 bucks that i received there and then. it was good. missed that place somehow. but i think i'm just very happy that i'm not working there any more. i'm so happy. but i just feel like working again. to get money.

i need money. i need to buy alot of things for myself. and alot of services. thinking of learning guitar again. found my guitar collecting dust in my wardrobe. then also thinking of learning the dhol. then also need to get an ipod. maybe get my parents to buy for my my birthday. my birthdat. 18 july. same as nelson mandela. hm, i wonder i wonder.

hm, you know. i've been thinking. being there with you was simply a dream yet the feel of your hand in mine made me realise how much it wasn't. sitting there with you, with your head on my shoulder, and my hand stroking yours, i wished that we had not to leave. but too bad, too sad for at least one of us, we parted ways. in order to save the time of answering unnecessary questions.

til the end we feed our happiness
from the beginning we yearn for happiness
at the end, we'll be in each others arms,
protecting each other from harm.
though tonight we fall into each other eyes,
romance and love, the hearbeats of our lives.

i screwed up this thing. i need to get my sexy back. shit, i used to be so much better at this.

anyway, i need to unleash the monster within for my canoeing right now. unleash the monster. that's my goal right now. to prove that i can be the best, the best that i can be. yep, push myself. but don't worry, i won't hurt myself alright?

Culda

Everytime I Try To Fly, I Fall Without My Wings, I Feel So Small I Guess I Need You, Baby.

well, so i'm back from camp. scout and guides camp. hm, i've got a headache now. my sides are aching after dragonboating. my voice is sore. my arm still hurts like hell. and i'm slowly falling asleep. hm, but a certain mood is on me. i guess i'll run through everything quickly. and try to elaborate more on the feelings that were high.

Day One
arrived school at 8 and kinda saw them get tekan early in the morning. with all the shit they were showing us. Camp development took like ages to complete. hence some activities cancelled. but station games carried on. hm...stupid pocky game. but i loved it. got to see them do stupid things. cheap entertainment. basically it was like nothing much. the first day. played candlefight. woo. but for like only 10 mins. compared to the endless hours we would play it. day one ended with nothing much. there was the blind man's walk as well where the seniors and ventures were like throwing floor all over at the campers. unfortunately even i got hit. in the eye!!! twice!!! each in each eye. and it hurt like hell. argh!!!

Day Two
physical training, then had inspection where threw everything around. but we had reason. whatever that happened, they did it themselves. then it followed by kims game and then after we lunched, and proceded to kallang sea sports centre for dragon boating. after so long, i regained my position back as a pacer. had a good row that day. rowing to the minimal that day compared to my previous days back when i was training under sp db. came back and screwed this idiot. called me pathetic, said i had no sense of humor and basically i was saying i made it too tough. asked him if he rather be a loser and a sissy and he said yes. asked him to leave but in the end he still stayed. haiz, at least be a bit more creative and call me something else. haiz, i've been called worse. then anyway did my campfire emcee script. campfire was next and boy was it just horrible. i seriously couldn't keep up with it. then stuff happened. anyway after campfire, slacked and waited to go to sleep, which i coouldn't get enough for some reason. woke up with a bad headache which is still going on right now. ahhh. hurts.

Day Three
well, the end of the camp, nothing really interesting. ended with no bang. not our fault anyway. the kids just suck. or maybe that it is our fault. haiz, i dunno amymore. next camp, who chief?

Other Stuff
hm, i dunno why. but i get affected by girls tearing and all. must be due to what happened last time. and only a few people will know. hm, after that incident, i jsut had a very different approach to everything in my life when dealing with the opposite gender. most of the especially when it invloved them being emotional. hm, i've gotta work on it? but how? yesterday was shit yeah, but i tried my best to do whatever i could. dunno whether i did a good job but whatever. anyway, i wish her to get better. and now all of a sudden, i am thinking of the incident in the past and wishing that party involved a good life as well. and now i'm thinking of the girl now. to her, i know she's reading. hm, i really hope that i don't do anything to ruin whatever foundation we have. hurting you is the last thing on my mind. but sometime i know i can't help it. i've got a problem. you know that. hopefully, inspite of that, you'll still...i dunno...oh wait...i can't say that can i?

Culda

P.S. The most precious diamonds in this world belongs in your eyes.

With Tears Welling Up In Each Corner Of My Eyes, I Stood Up And Carried My Soul Onto Another Day Of Which I Hoped Would Not Be A Repaet Of Anything.

and so beckons another day of mixed feelings and a certain feeling of confusion about being lost again in a dog-eat-dog world of which will trail with the blood of the losers and the victors will be the ones left with the battle scars on their faces and a whole load of sweat and tears on their hands. journey on forward and you see that in the end, the victors have just faced only the beginning of what is known as the end of existence to those who dare not to venture onwards and fight the unknown fears. are we willing to fight? or are we gonna fall down onto our knees and just raise up our hands in defeat and succumb to the fact of just trying only.

what am i talking about?

canoeing the other day was surprisingly unbearable. am i just getting weaker? physically? mentally? i dunno anymore. but now i'm sitting at home, trying to quickly recover from a painful ache in the left arm and a suffocating sensation in my chest. i wonder why now. oh...and then yeah, in effect i didn't go canoe today. damn, shit...argh, i wanted go canoeing today. i wanna go canoeing on saturday. but can't cause i got camp. i wanna know the dates for the holiday canoe training. or rather i should say, canoe training during the holidays. ha...canooooooooooe...

today i showed what i really felt. i didn't mean to do it. but heck, i mean, yeah, i'm moody. fuck. the only reason why i did that was to fucking put some enthusiasm in the fucking group. fuck. heck, whatever you say i am. i am. whether you say i'm the best or the fucking shit king of the lowlest of all humankind, fuck. i can't belive it. i'm jsut so pissed. i'm gonna forget about it all tomorrow maybe. just let me get it out now. but guys, seriously, love you guys man. just, don't fuckin hide behind the dresses of others and talk behind my back and try to communicate about me on whatever fucking software you have. all this god damn shit that i have to put up with. if you seriously have a problem with the way i am, don't just complain. say it my face. if i'm in a good mood, i'll take it and give some way. i'll confirm do that, happily. but if i'm pissed and you come stepping on my tail and say something fucked up, i'm gonna rip it all apart. i'm sorry. if i'm the next one to be ostracized, hey, tell me man. tell my guys. i'll make it easier. no hard feelings. i'll just carry my stuff away and all. serious, i'll be happy if i'm making you'll happy. i'm less of what i used to be last time. so yeah, i happen to think of myself as more controlled. but hey, if you're pushing a man who doesn't want to be moved, and you give him a shove just like that, to hell with what i wanna be. serious guys, i know i don't really like most of you. but to hell with it. all this is finally coming up. i hate to see the state as time passes on. you've never seen me serious. i don't wanna be. because i know it ain't gonna help anyone. this is not a warning. this is not some fucking threat. this not some hate letter. i'm just saying how i feel. if you guys hate me, seriously, my tag board is there. spam away. many people have done it already. you want to have a better effect, come straight to my face. punch me, i bleed. i'm human. i have my own errors. i have my own faults. i have my own knots to untie. and you know what? so do you. to some i'm being nice. to others, i am just nice. why i'm irritating? if i wasn't, i'd just be jack with an axe. humor comes at a price. you don't get respect??? i dunno anymore. damn, sheesh, serious guys. i didn't ask to be treated this way. nor do i want to be treated this way. just tell me...i don't understand. just come straight to the fucking point. if i'm being a total shithead, tell me. damn, if it's for everyone's sake, just open your goddamn mouth. anyway, it was not like you were fucking contributing at all fuckface. i've never used this much vulgarities as much as this today. hm, i'm never gonna tolerate this man. i've been known to make situations awkward. i've been known to say the wrong stuff. i've been known for controvesy. fuck, hm...me just controlling now ladies.

while i'm on it...

i hate the people in canoeist. the ones who think they can do everything and all. there's a difference in being full of testosterone and being full of irritating shit that makes others want to punch you in the balls. i've been around and i can safely say that canoeist are one of the few humble people around. at first i was like...alright, you wanna do this, i'll play along bitch. now you fucking around with everyone and acting the fool. fuck, why don't you just let everyone know what you really are doing and feeling infront of others. don't fuck around. disrespecting others. like what the fuck man. pity the alumnis couldn't see it. see what a fake you guys are. anyway, i know who are gonna be the ones in the team. the great ones. seriously. they are the ones who i hope can be in there. the heart. i've got the heart. i want to pursue on. and since i've got the heart, i've gotta work hard. fight hard. gotta really go all put for that man. argh, to the rest of you fakers and poseurs, fuck you.

hm, i've ranted too much. and who wants to ask me when i really did cry last? and why? if you can only see it from my point of view, then maybe you'd understand. otherwise, you're just gonna see me as weak.

Nav

I Count Him Braver Who Overcomes His Desires Than Him Who Conquers His Enemies, For The Hardest Victory Is Over Self.

hm, my mood seems to be fluctuating more than the recent economy situation. i dunno why. my mood was like this last time. am i losing my cool? is my real self coming up? i even found myself crapping for three minutes at canoe pratice on saturday and two seconds later, i found myself keeping quiet and looking pissed. i was sudden with the change that people were like stunned??

hm, i dunno. am i just tired? or am i just a senseless stupid jerk with no feelings for the other party whatsoever? maybe i am, maybe i'm not. but you know, sometimes i feel my mask is falling off. i'm lost in my own definitions. i wanna be more human now. i feel i am becoming human. i'm becoming more myself. and that's me being more unpredictable. more wiser. hm, shit. tired of all this immaturity that i have to put up with. i understand myself now. i'm a new man. new urban man. well, not really a new urban man. i'm not too homo. don't get it? hm, take a look inside the new urban male stores and then you'll see why i say what i say.

hm, who am i stop you?

hm, tell me something. politics is getting to neck to neck right now. and those who know me will know that i like politics. the whole situation is making gleefully smile under my hood. the evil side has yet to be revealed and unleashed.

and yeah, this is gonna be a short one. and i'm regretting some stuff. red fox scout unit, i dunno why. maybe what i thought would not affect me is affecting me. the big question in everyone's mind. will i be a leader in the future? will i take up the challenge of leading a group of scouts? will i lead red fox to a greater height?

my answer is...no. i'm really sorry. but i just don't know if everyone's ready.

Culda