With Tears Welling Up In Each Corner Of My Eyes, I Stood Up And Carried My Soul Onto Another Day Of Which I Hoped Would Not Be A Repaet Of Anything.

and so beckons another day of mixed feelings and a certain feeling of confusion about being lost again in a dog-eat-dog world of which will trail with the blood of the losers and the victors will be the ones left with the battle scars on their faces and a whole load of sweat and tears on their hands. journey on forward and you see that in the end, the victors have just faced only the beginning of what is known as the end of existence to those who dare not to venture onwards and fight the unknown fears. are we willing to fight? or are we gonna fall down onto our knees and just raise up our hands in defeat and succumb to the fact of just trying only.

what am i talking about?

canoeing the other day was surprisingly unbearable. am i just getting weaker? physically? mentally? i dunno anymore. but now i'm sitting at home, trying to quickly recover from a painful ache in the left arm and a suffocating sensation in my chest. i wonder why now. oh...and then yeah, in effect i didn't go canoe today. damn, shit...argh, i wanted go canoeing today. i wanna go canoeing on saturday. but can't cause i got camp. i wanna know the dates for the holiday canoe training. or rather i should say, canoe training during the holidays. ha...canooooooooooe...

today i showed what i really felt. i didn't mean to do it. but heck, i mean, yeah, i'm moody. fuck. the only reason why i did that was to fucking put some enthusiasm in the fucking group. fuck. heck, whatever you say i am. i am. whether you say i'm the best or the fucking shit king of the lowlest of all humankind, fuck. i can't belive it. i'm jsut so pissed. i'm gonna forget about it all tomorrow maybe. just let me get it out now. but guys, seriously, love you guys man. just, don't fuckin hide behind the dresses of others and talk behind my back and try to communicate about me on whatever fucking software you have. all this god damn shit that i have to put up with. if you seriously have a problem with the way i am, don't just complain. say it my face. if i'm in a good mood, i'll take it and give some way. i'll confirm do that, happily. but if i'm pissed and you come stepping on my tail and say something fucked up, i'm gonna rip it all apart. i'm sorry. if i'm the next one to be ostracized, hey, tell me man. tell my guys. i'll make it easier. no hard feelings. i'll just carry my stuff away and all. serious, i'll be happy if i'm making you'll happy. i'm less of what i used to be last time. so yeah, i happen to think of myself as more controlled. but hey, if you're pushing a man who doesn't want to be moved, and you give him a shove just like that, to hell with what i wanna be. serious guys, i know i don't really like most of you. but to hell with it. all this is finally coming up. i hate to see the state as time passes on. you've never seen me serious. i don't wanna be. because i know it ain't gonna help anyone. this is not a warning. this is not some fucking threat. this not some hate letter. i'm just saying how i feel. if you guys hate me, seriously, my tag board is there. spam away. many people have done it already. you want to have a better effect, come straight to my face. punch me, i bleed. i'm human. i have my own errors. i have my own faults. i have my own knots to untie. and you know what? so do you. to some i'm being nice. to others, i am just nice. why i'm irritating? if i wasn't, i'd just be jack with an axe. humor comes at a price. you don't get respect??? i dunno anymore. damn, sheesh, serious guys. i didn't ask to be treated this way. nor do i want to be treated this way. just tell me...i don't understand. just come straight to the fucking point. if i'm being a total shithead, tell me. damn, if it's for everyone's sake, just open your goddamn mouth. anyway, it was not like you were fucking contributing at all fuckface. i've never used this much vulgarities as much as this today. hm, i'm never gonna tolerate this man. i've been known to make situations awkward. i've been known to say the wrong stuff. i've been known for controvesy. fuck, hm...me just controlling now ladies.

while i'm on it...

i hate the people in canoeist. the ones who think they can do everything and all. there's a difference in being full of testosterone and being full of irritating shit that makes others want to punch you in the balls. i've been around and i can safely say that canoeist are one of the few humble people around. at first i was like...alright, you wanna do this, i'll play along bitch. now you fucking around with everyone and acting the fool. fuck, why don't you just let everyone know what you really are doing and feeling infront of others. don't fuck around. disrespecting others. like what the fuck man. pity the alumnis couldn't see it. see what a fake you guys are. anyway, i know who are gonna be the ones in the team. the great ones. seriously. they are the ones who i hope can be in there. the heart. i've got the heart. i want to pursue on. and since i've got the heart, i've gotta work hard. fight hard. gotta really go all put for that man. argh, to the rest of you fakers and poseurs, fuck you.

hm, i've ranted too much. and who wants to ask me when i really did cry last? and why? if you can only see it from my point of view, then maybe you'd understand. otherwise, you're just gonna see me as weak.

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