Many Men Go Fishing All Of Their Lives Without Knowing That It Is Not Fish They Are After.

i've been thinking. sometimes, why do we do the things we do? do we really know what we want? we do the things that make us happy. cause we all desire to achieve happiness. but why do we want happiness? does it really make our lives more meaningful? more worth it? is that what we think of life? a pursuit of happiness? do we have this thinking in our minds that happiness will really lead to us eventually attaining a beautiful and good life? but then the question is, what is a bad life? where and what is the line that seperates good and bad?

anyway, are we really sure of what we want? when we go and accomplish something, what do we win it for and what for? honor? self-pride and a sense of accomplishment? what is the accomplishemnt for then? it's never ending isn't it. then why do we have friends? what's the point in loving? so we know how to hurt and deal with hurt? what's the point in being strong when at the end of the day, you don't exactly know why you have to be strong for? all this thoughts may have simple answers cause sometimes we may be too ignorant to accept the fact that our thoughts and perceptions can be questioned. we get too defensive. and why do we get so defensive? cause at the back of our minds, we have the littlest sense of insecurity about our own confidence in our own profound ideologies and principles.

forgive me for thinking too much. but i'm curious. and that's how we grow. never stop asking questions. because when we do, we just stop growing and our minds soon turn into a pile of dust that will be left to be blown away when we are decomposing in a sandy and dirty grave in some god-forsaken barren region.

anyway, went down to sp today for canoe polo training. had a fun time throwing balls and passing them to others. practicing our throwing arm. practice makes perfect. at first i was like, "throwing balls?". and after that session, i was like "what? no more throwing balls?". yeah, then moved on to rolls. wall roll, paddle roll, and arm/hand roll. it was great. learnt the leg stuff and all that. one step closer. to my dream. my wish. my never-dying hope.

then moved on to macrithcie for sprint training. had fun in the k-boat. it's like bitch of a girlfriend you're not used to. hard to handle, but once you get used to it, you got it where you want it to be. anyway, then did circuits, gym and then had a very refreshing yet expected cool down with 100 plus pumping. nope, i'm not talking about inflating the sports drink. i am talking about the push-ups, or in some countries, the press-ups. yep, damn, gotta work harder. gotta pull it through. next week. 200 push ups at least.

dreams are not those that think when you're asleep. dreams are those that you think of after you wake up.

had a nice time with you the other day. nice interview. know you're reading. and just to let you know...no, i'm not pissed. oh and why isit everytime it always ends up being very un-friendly on MSN. haha, only god knows. alright, what else do you want me to say now? hm, never mind...just kidding. i wasn't gonna say anything anyway.

hm, MST coming up soon. gotta chiong for it already. econs, stats and ITAB. argh, i hate ITAB. gotta chiong hard for all this three modules. the rest probably can scrape through without much hassle? just a guess, hope. something like that. why do i think so much when it comes to econs especially. like doesn't everyone like pasta. so does it matter if it is still a inferior good? demand go down when income rises? erm, when i have more money, i buy more pasta. god damn assumptions. don't assume that everyone is like you. however, also don't assume that everyone is not like you.

hm, what more should i say right now? do i write alot? i don't notice it at all. what can i say - it's a gift and curse.

Culda

Getting To Know You, Getting To Know All About You, That's What I Wanna Do Now, RIght Now, That's Just It.

it's been a long crazy and tiring week filled with aches, bad luck and a very strong aura of piss was in the air. this kind of stuff leads to a very eventful and unforgettable week. hm, well, let's begin on our journey then.

i loved the time i spent well on monday. though i was disappointed about not training cause of not bringing socks, i still found it very....very...never mind??? haha, no la, found it very well spent.

let's start with tuesday.

the day started off rather relatively well compared the second part of the day. woke up at 6 and reached sp at 730 and then realised that class starts at 9. then i was like feeling like a shithead so i went on to stadium and fell asleep there. then went on to lecture. back to back lectures. and i can't remember that smile when she turned around...jeremy if you reading, right or not!!! wooo...

then came ec. i hope everything goes on along well. have to cover each other's asses and do the work right, now. the credit units, the grades. we've gotta not be so carefree about it this time. and if it's time to hurt, hurt 'em.

controlling never seemed so hard until this shit suddenly came upon unto us.

canoeing came and then came the triumphant yells of motivational though cheap slogans echoing in the stadium to spur us on while we were tiredlessly executing agonizing and painful exersises that only showed and proved how our weak minds were the bane of entire progress of earning our right of being in the canoeing team of which someday i endeavour to achieve the pride and honor of being the captain and be able to motivate, inspire and push young ones to follow into the steps of their successors and eventually leading the whole team to soar to greater heights. oh, we did close to 300 push ups. at first i was doing fine until there came the glorious 100m sprints followed by push-ups of which were 20, 30 and 40. for the last set i did only 10 push-ups. then i changed to crunches cause i acted smart by putting too much effort into sprinting of which i did rather well. but for the crunches, it was like for every 1 push-up, you do 3 crunches. damn. but all in all, it was a very good day. reached home at 11am to my dinner with my muscles aching and my mind having a hangover.

to be the best, among the rest, that's all i want and need to be.

hm, then moving onto wednesday. hm, can't belive it. i made a plan and didn't stick to the timing. and i'm like really sorry for it. but luckily, what i expected didn't happen. hm, so i kinda was happy for that and i appreciate what you did and your understanding. and it won't happen again. i hope...

played tai ti with daniel, jeremy, and jia le in fc 5 for like god knows how long and then i made my way back to manjusri to help with some skills lecture for the upcoming combined camp. 5th 6th 7th june. hope i'll be able to go also. it's school...i forgot. damn, parent's not gonna be so happy with that. and i can understand why as well. hm, got dragon boat...i want go...so long never go. wooo, dragon boating.

then came thursday. boring ITAB again. didn't bring the book...so was partly lost. and in poly, what do you do when you are lost? you go on to the internet to help make yourself feel better. then anyway was so sleepy, one can of red bull and one can of shark couldn't help keep me awake. what the hell? then played tai ti again then went off to canoeing again.

canoeing wasn't tiring today. well, not to me. maybe cause it was running and circuits today. hm, then stayed back to do my own training. for like 40 mins. hm, ahhh...pull ups is my only worry only. gotta pull two or three everytime i see a bar that's of an acceptable height for me so that my legs don't touch the ground easily. hm, like in sp, the bars are like just enough for me, but i can still touch the floor and i'm at the least tip toeing. i think i don't even need to tip toe. this senior was like in a laughing fit when i was doing the pull ups and then rested by tip toeing. hm, actually that girl's not bad. but her voice is like...a puppy. and i dunno whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. anyway, yeah, anything for a laugh???

what's the point in having a good body when you don't even have a good attitude to match?

canoeing rocks. i love it. paddle hard. paddle fast. hard fast. whatever. gotta think of somehting smarter than that. like what i always say. it's good if you search for good stuff, but i prefer spontaneosity and originality...

Culda

P.S. i love our rules. and i'll stick by it. trust me. okay? smile now? smiling? come on abit more. gooooood. now you can roll your eyes.

I Wanna Let You Know About It All, But I Fear The Unknown Of Some Unknown Fear And I Also Do Not Want It To Just Fall Apart Before It Got Pieced Up.

i dunno whether what i said makes sense. i'm not getting as creative as i used to be. anyway, yeah. had a very uneventful weekend. did half of econs homework while i was half-asleep and completed the rest of it in the afternoon. then continued on to touch up my accounting tutorial. it was all good. then kinda just searched for more songs as well and just heard another great version of katy perry, but that's a different story.

i feel that my blog entries are like getting shorter and shorter each day. i dunno, i jsut find it tough to actually keep to a certain word limit so i just write what i feel like. like i could start writing about a monkey kissing an aligator thinking that it was a burnt over-sized banana and lived to tell the tale but i wouldn't cause it isn't much of a story but rather more of a interesting yet redundant snippet to just fill into some paragraph or something. or maybe i could start writing again about something deep and profound like how love is.

what is love? love is nothing but a word. a simple but complexed word. but then again, as i always say, complexities of life are meant to be simplified in one way or another to make our lives less confused. but then again, no matter what, we're always confused.

so why is love so complex if it's simply a word? love is full of contradictions and ironies and duality and whatever have you in this world. love can bring two people together, and can make two others fall apart. love can be the word used to make someone happy, or to make someone truthfully happy. love joins hearts before breaking them. love is a problem and also a solution, a cause and also an effect. love no matter where you look at it, is a crime as you steal hearts for yourself, while allowing yours to be stolen as well. love can be between two people or you and the world. love is nothing and everything. love is all around us but it can't be felt.

love involves all the different values and all like simple committement, dedication, understanding, care, concern, friendship and thoughts for each party from the heart. attraction. true smiles and tears from the heart. and all that things. i can't carry on.

sometimes you wear a mask for so long you forget who are you beneath it.

can't wait for dba 07 chalet. wonder what is there in store. the only bad thing. after getting my financial status up and healthy again, gotta part with 20 bucks of it. back to me living in a financial deificit. my wallet never felt so light. and it's been a long time since i had my favourite drink - RED BULL!!! red bull gives you wings...and so does a bus hitting you in the face but i think red bull is better. cause you can get back down. whatever. anyway, i wanna go chalet. hope that the PTN thing can apply and we get like 7 bucks reimbursement. reimbursement, my favourite word. after free of charge.

gotta go off to lala land and dream of soft little pink sheep and turn them into tender steaks of mutton for a hearty dinner. i'm like freaking hungry now. gawd-damn son of a bitch, i'm hungry.

my heart skips a beat everytime i look at you.

hm, i dunno what happened to me yesterday. why i said those things...i really dunno why. i read it again. and to me, it sounds really really stupid. but i just don't really want to say everything right now. like i said, it's still too early. but everytime an argument comes up when it involves serious stuff (to me), i just wanna yell it out. whatever. haiz, i dunno why that thing happened. i'm not one to say forget what happened. that's up to you.

Culda

P.S. i wonder whether I should NEED to talk to YOU.

I Always Yearn For Something Different, And I've Finally Found What Is Different And That Is Something That's Almost As Similar To Me.

got up early in the morning for ventures meeting in manjusri. in my honest opinion, the scouts are still like what they used to be in the past. not much growth can be seen. anyway, gonna be going to be facilitator for their training camp. hm, i kinda can't wait for the camp. maybe cause there's dragon boating and campfire of which i'm emceeing. gotta get my partner and do up the script as soon as possible. wonder who will be my partner.

anyways, rushed down to sp only to find out canoeing got cancelled today. the training at macritchie. must have been cause of the guy who drowned there, god rest his soul. was so looking for it. hm, at first in the morning there was canoe polo training which i skipped due to my meeting. then i had like nothing to do.

so i grabbed a mcspicy meal and cheeseburger and walked from dover to redhill. had a nice walk. got to think through some stuff. what was the outcome? nothing much. what i told myself i wouldn't want to carry on with, i said to myself, "heck why should i do it when i really know that that's what i want.

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

should i not have said it.

Culda

I Try In Every Way To Not Tell You The Truth At The Fear Of Ruining Whatever There Is To Lose And I Hope Not To Make You Irritated.

the journey of life is of how we perceive it to be.be it a long perilous journey, or a carefree everlasting ride into the horizon , we've all got our own view. shall there be anyone to justify and tell us the definition of life in their view for our sake and for us to live by as a guideline, then our life is about as worthless as the termites in a piece of wood that has been out at sea for a month. it's up to us to find our life...find our own definition of life in this crazy world that we live in that has just no rules except for the fact that you live by your own.

it's been too hard living, but i'm afraid to die.

i have managed to discipline myself and commit myself to a week full of training. stuck by it. wooo...cool...muscles aching...i'm gonna work on to my goal of leading the team. to be the captain. call me crazy. but i've gotta aim, try and achieve. you've got a dream. go for it. you never know, you may do better than you expected. and plus, you've also got a story to tell, to inspire. the stature of a man who stands in the rain and pushes on for the last mile is already of someone who can inspire with the power, determination and dedication to oneself.

every accomplishment starts with the decision to try and do something.

it's been a while. and i hope it'll continue for a while more. it seems so great...this feeling inside...how i yearn to know more...make whatever this is flourish...it's still too early but, you know, gotta get the foundation ground right first. but i dunno why, the fear of history repeating itself is there. that's why i hesitate to say it all. but then again, sometimes i have to think to myself, it was what it was. time to look to the present, to the future...the past is only know a diary from where i reflect on and laugh upon. time to give it all i have.

if i had three wishes, one wouldn't be that i would make you fall in love with me. it would just be to notice me. the second, to let me spend time with you. and the third is for you see me as i am. the rest is up to you...

Culda

I Wanna Drown In Your Eyes And Spend The Entire Night With You Under The Falling Rain As There Is Nothing Better Than Living In This World With You.

hey guys, finally back to blogging. been away long. i know. just been so pissed at people who apparently think something and then interpret something else and then start having verbal diarrhea on my tagboard like stranger and scouter. hm, apparently they are just to afraid or something to even put their real names and use irritating and annoying monikers as such which really just does raise your blood pressure level to a height that can cause your whole body to flush stronger than a airplane vacuun toilet.

anyway, since i'm back to blogging, i'm gonna make some stuff clear. if people had some problems deciphering what is right and what is not true in what i write, guess what. i'm not gonna fabricate anything anymore. everything about me will be true. anyway, also gonna make myself appear a little more human. gonna show all the colors of emotions. you know why? cause i'm like that. like this and like that and like this and like this...boooosh!

BIZ ADMIN
woo, biz admin is starting to get to me. starting to get into the role of a biz ad man. hm, the modules are somewhat okay la. let me go through it all.

Accounting - hm, been there done that. i remembered the time when i told my teacher straight to her face that i wanna drop accounting in secondary school. it was easy but boring. but now anyway, it's not any different, the accounting lecturer just goes on and on like a bad celine dion cd. and the tutorial lecturer isn't any better. he's the the answer to everyone who said that there is no one who looks like a indian einstein. calling me 'nau' or 'now'. like what the heck. at least call me 'naf'...how hard is it to pronounce the freaking 'f' sound. it's so easy, he doesn't even need to put in much effort. his moustache can help examplify the 'f' sound. god help him. but anyway, hope get a good grade for this god forsaken module.

Economics - ahh, economics. to everyone, i'm known as the guy with the cap. ah, the lecturer is about as lame as lameness can go. but economics is kinda scary. cause you've gotta assume a hell load of stuff. sounds easy and all. but gotta know how they're testing us. gotta wait for the MST. once MST is done, then the whole dynamics and mechanics of economics will be in motion. but so far, all's good.

Statistics - interestingly, i feel that this module is like the module i think the least of. i dunno why. it's like whenever i see my time table, i'll be like, "wow, i have that module"...everytime. the lecturer is a highly metrosexual dude with a surprisingly strong sense of humor that sometimes just can be disturbing though. i remembered i was the guy that went "oh fuck!!!" in class. and i remembered he was stunned abit. the tutorial lecturer is abit lost though i feel and gots a lot to prove. laughing at him not with him. anyway, i would like to call him 'mr chirro'. hmm, nice name tio bo.

Effective Communications (EC) - taught by probably one of the most good-looking lecturers in SP. but too bad i feel that this is gonna be a another CRS where i'll do everything and then in the end get a B. that just sucks. but doesn't suck as much as a D for Characther Development. anyway, EC is fun. i'm hoping that someday there will be some kind of special presentation, which i hope i can actually do something different but with a shock value.

Management Behavior (MOB) - mob is freaking dumb. and the tutorial lecturer who's a mophead of a lecturer doesn't make it any better. just feel like strangling her or poking a pen through her glasses and eyeball, causing extreme pain and agony to her leading to her taking a resignation based on medical grounds and then eventually leading to a new lecturer. probably a hot one as well.

Info Tech in Biz (ITAB) - amazningly this is one of the most fun classes yet it can be excruiatingly painful as well. 3 hours of staring infront of a laptop screen and doing some kind of shit that's like so easy but tedious. and most of us are listening to music, fb-ing, sleeping...basically keng-ing the whole way. copying from others at the end of the day. i'm not one of them anyway.

the people in the class are also good. colourful. amazing. yep, will post some pics some day. get all their pics (group and individual). make it like some photo album. yepedy yep.

CANOEING
yep, joining canoeing. confirm on it. gonna train hard for it. captain. that's my goal. the best of the best. gotta be disciplined. gotta be different. gotta be the best. yep my goal. but for now, just aim for the skies and higher. wasted i could have been a senior in the canoeing team and still have another three years to go had i joined canoeing instead of dragon boat. well, a little too late to regret now. never mind. make full use of this three years. canoeing...paddle hard. paddle on.

IN CONCLUSION
hm, aiming for the highest mark is what we all have to do. gotta make the impossible possible. go the extra height, go the extra mile, go the extra stride. whatever. we've all gotta do it. it's our own life at stake. survival of the fittest. com'on, wake up, get up and do something.

Culda

Should I Let The World Know Or Should I Live Life With A Closet Full Of Skeletons, Doomed To Remain There Til The End Of My Existence?

i've got so many issues.

family issues. girl issues. insecurities. my hidden anger. my hatred. a personal vendetta. i've got a issue with people doing what i think is wrong. so i've decided to either save them or to save me. to save a life, that's my greatest motivation.

i live in a world of many philosophies, but they all just flow together, never do they contradict. i just feel that people confuse me. and i'm the reason behind the confusion. maybe i've got a very weird thinking. different. matured??? i don't know.

i'm hesitating on whether i should i write down the story of my life. in all it's hidden sadistic and blackened glory. but it seems to complicated to start off. it can either be enlightening or just lead to a clusterfuck.



in other news, bizness admin is not bad so far. i feel that my above issue are taking a toll too much. wtf, i dunno any more.

Culda