The Hardest Thing For Me Now Is To Actually Get Over The Fact That Even Though I Like You, I Know It Can't Be As You May Want Different Things.

sometimes it's hard. to tell yourself that something you want can't really be yous as you know that the other person wants something different. it's hard not to think like this even. trying to make yuorself not do anything stupid. cause you know that if shit happens, it will just lead to alot of uncomfortable stuff. and that is not necessary. that's why, let's just tell ourselves that. then sometimes when you do get in a relationship, you always have to think of the other party. i mean, if you seriously know you're causing hurt to someone, wouldn't you wanna be the one to step up and end it all considering you are the one causing the pain. i would. hm, as long as you hurt yourself and not others right. as long the other person is not hurting because of you, then that's the way to go. hm, so that's why it's best for me to try to let the thought of being with that someone die. okay try to understand. i'm not being a hero. i'm not being emo. i'm not being a failure. i'm just weighing things out and seeing how it all flows. but right now, it seems to me that the best thing for me to do is to let my feelings for her slide. it's sounds very dramatic i know. but isn't life just like a drama with it's own bloopers of which we try to learn from. hm, sadly, she will never know. hm, but if you all of a sudden, just think a bit and for the sake just think that i may be referring to you, don't be so quick to just go pass that thought. cause it might be true. just think about it. think carefully...everything. maybe you'll see something.

the closer the year comes to a close, the more it makes me think that i should think of coming up with a few resolutions for myself. maybe i should tell her on jan 1? if she feels the same way (which is unlikely) then i'm gonna have a very nice year with a very nice girl by my side. if she gives me the 'er, i'm just a friend' look (which is highly likely), i'm gonna have a very bad and emotional and gloomy year ahead of me. or who know, i might not even live the whole year. i'm just kidding. i won't kill myself. i still got alot more to live for. no seriously, cause if i die, people will be more sad for themselves than for me due to my death. hm, i think shouldn't talk about death at this time.

right now, i just have alot of shit. i'm not gonna start challenging with others over who has more things to do. cause we'll be making ourselves so desperate over winning such a 'competition' that we'll make up shit as we continue to show whose life is more pathetic and miserable. and at the end of the day, it'll all be so childish. am i not right? and all of a sudden i'm having a deja vu. it feels so weird. hm, anyway, it's time for me to really think through it all. what i'm doing wrong? what i'm doing right? what i need to do more in. and why i'm here most of all.

it's hard for me to not feel what i feel. you cause hurt, you get hurt. i've heard of some stories. stories i shouldn't actually know. but i know. and while some of the stories don't make a difference to me, some stories make me think. learning from other people's story is good. it's way to understand how the other mind thinks. how the other mind gets through problems. that's why i'm starting to ask people about their history. it's the only way to understand how they will work and the whole other thing. because each story is different, there's so many stories we can learn from.

and learning about one's stories and sharing with that person might be the best way to actually like a person. cause through the stories (if told truthfully that is), you get to be more acquanted by the heart and you get to know how to feel and understand that person. and i hope it works in my case. but in the mean time, i've still gotta think about it like how i did when i started this.

Culda

P.S. there's this girl in track and field and when she runs, it'll make you go 'awwwwww' cause she's short and small built and her running is damn adorable. hahaha...if i'm not wrong, her name is amanda. haha...damn freaking adorable...it'll make you laugh after going 'awwwww'...