I Am Navjoth (Nerve-Joe-T) Singh (Sing) also known as Nav (Naf).

finally. i have collected all my thoughts and organized myself to write about my dear miserable, enigmatic, unknown and misunderstood life. i look at myself in the mirror (to check myself out first) and i realise that i'm leading my life under a mask. sometimes i wonder whether the truth of my life will make me less approachable and more boring.

let me begin.

i was born into a family of 5. but there was always an age gap (7 between my bro, and 8/9 between my sis) which made me left out always. i never felt i could make a difference. always been known as the my brother's brother. always my brother's brother, or my sister's brother. my father always had supported everyone of us and he's probably the only reason why i'm still struggling through my life. everyone said, why not you just continue the course you are in now? my father always wanted us to learn the struggles of life. i started thinking. i needed to suceed. i learnt that i would start afresh. i have decided now. life is not all about studying. you've gotta get a life. but now it's different. singapore belives in meritocracy. so you've gotta get the best paper qualification. if not, you're just gonna get a 9-5 job with a pay enough only to pay for your eating bills for the entire month. after that, you're just left with money enough to go buy those nitty gritty shit.

but enough of that. i could continue on where i am now. but looking into the future, i feel that i would never be able to succed so well. so that's why i've decided to continue on my current decision. people say, isit all about money? well, for me, it is. my family went through some financial crisis and was never able to recover. however my father is working his hardest for us to make us never feel that impact. he's working so hard, that he suffers all alone in india. he spends about 3 months there. and when he's back in singapore, he's only there for like a week or two.

my mom is trying to not make us feel so sad. working as a housewife and trying to constantly trying to fix the problems in the family. but appareantly...the problems are still there. my bro always got all the attention. he made his mark as a successful person. so partly i don't blame him. but somehow i felt that my attention was compromised without my consent. even i was asked, i wouldn't have been given the choice to say no. anyway, i'm now struggling to make it work for my life.

i became a scout after joining ava. ava club sucks...seriously. i don't think i would have learned alot of stuff had i joined ava. i joined scouts like after half a year after. or was it less than that. i forgot. anyway, joining scouts was the best thing i ever did. joy was shared, tears were shed, and characther was forged. but then again i was just a scout. the moment i joined in and saw what a leader was, i told myself that i wanted to be a leader. but unfortunately, i never did seize the oppurtunity when i was given the chance. i regretted. but it's too late to regret. but it's never too late to learn from your regrets. yeah, i hope to make a difference now that i'm a venture. i try hard, but again sometimes insecurities reign when you start to think. i wouldn't say i'm a optimist nor am i a pessimist. but i would not deny to being more negative than being positive.

i've been to say things. sometimes the right things, but not the good things. sometimes at the socut unit i say stuff, that gets a little hurting. but the reason why i say that is that i slightly see the similarities between the unit men and my family. sometimes i can't help it. i dunno why. i've gotta stop. i need to stop.

...i cause hurt, but i hurt more...

it's hard for me to show people how i am. cause it's disturbing and depressing. i get so caught up in my thoughts some time, i sometimes get lost in reality. having close ties sometimes can lead to problems. it's hard when you've got close ties with someone and then you just slowly stop communicating and all. a scout makes friends, establishes and maintains harmonious relationships. sometimes i feel i'm dsigracing the scout law by doing what i do, but it's hard to continue when you know you've got your own reason which just kills you to do what you have to do. but i'm learning to change. i hope i do. i know i am. i'm begining to see it now.

...i confuse, i get confused...

it's hard to continue but we have to...i am on a new path. i am on the pathway to change. yes we can? yes i can. change i belive in. navjoth singh is new and improved. he's a new fuckin person...

Navjoth

P.S...haiyaz...who am i kidding...